Not the doctor

I’m exhausted.

Exhausted because of work.

Exhausted because of you. My own personal hell. You’re destroying me, that’s what it feels like and today I realized it. Don’t get me wrong – I’ve known it all along – but today I’ve truly come to realize it. You’re married.

What am I doing?

What is this thing? A friendship? You call it a friendship. We’re having fun. We’reĀ justĀ friends. OK. Some friends we are…

It feels like it’s gas-lighting. This just feels wrong. Wrong because I don’t get what I want so I become a blue-balled frustrated hot mess. Wrong because I’m hurting someone I love more than everything in this world. Wrong because I don’t get you, I don’t understand you, I don’t have you pinned down.

It makes me crazy. I’m exhausted.

I’m exhausted because I’m too afraid to ask what’s going on between us. I’m afraid of the answer. I’m afraid of having fallen in love with a ghost.