I am and you know what? I kind of like it.
Back to him, my beautiful, remarkable stranger. I’ve spent the most amazing week of my life in his arms, it’s almost unbelievable to me. We’ve tried to ignore that he’s going to have to leave for New York in a few days, but to be honest I’d love to leave with him. I don’t understand why my life never gets uncomplicated, never untangles, it’s always this big mess of lies, betrayal, frustration, anger and bad decisions. Did I make a mistake?
With him, especially, it feels like it’s this all consuming love and I’m afraid that it will swallow me whole. There’s not going to be anything left anymore after he leaves, just this shadow of a blonde, washed-out, stupid fuck of an empty shell that I call me. I don’t think I can convey this feeling he gives me unless you’ve felt it yourself.
He’s an eccentric, he loves giving, but he also takes a lot without realizing. He takes my breath away.
“Your smell is intoxicating, I’m destroyed.”
“Don’t be dramatic, you wanna take me out?”
“I want to take you… in.”
“Sure, after you’ve taken me out. Also, have you thought about… ”
“Making love to you?”
“No, going on a vacation together. Low budget, of course. I’m JOKING, but you said that you didn’t want me paying for you, so you’re going to pay for me – hence, something not so expensive so you can afford the expensive ballet school and your boyfriend’s vacation.”
“My boyfriend? That sounds interesting.”
“What? That I’m your boyfriend or the vacation?”
“Both. Where to?”
“You’re the one with the gypsy heart. You tell me.”
“For now, let’s just go downtown.”
Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that he’s the rich, Ferrari-ride-at-midnight guy, but that doesn’t matter. I have a boyfriend and I don’t feel like choking myself to death. The sex is as vanilla as it can get, but still it has this in the moment passion of a summer love. Is that all this is? A summer love?
“I want you to fuck me.” I said, looking him straight in the eye. He smiles and it’s so beautiful, indulgent even.
“Gypsy heart, how can I say no to that?”
“Well, I didn’t ask.”
And we had sex right there, in the middle of the living room, on the floor and as usual it left us drained, like we’ve run a marathon. If this is truly love, then I’m desperate for it not to fade. Please, love of my life, stay.