Sleeping with ghosts

Having been faced with a decision and the consequences of said decision I started thinking about my past. It’s funny how when we are needed in the present for something that will affect our future we get stuck in our past. I started thinking about people that are no longer in my life, that I ghosted because I just didn’t want to deal with them anymore. Because of this I have unresolved issues with them, it’s like they never left me, they’re sleeping right next to me, frozen in time.

I’m trying to trace back when this ghosting behavior first started and without trying to rationalize it, I’m trying to find out what my reasons were. Unhealthy as it is to avoid confrontation to the point of blocking out people I still feel that in most cases I’ve raised the quality of my life. I’ve met some toxic people who forever changed me, damaged me, so leaving them and cutting all ties with them was probably the best thing ever, but the problem with unfinished business is that it tends to just linger, never too far from your mind.

So without realizing it I’ve become a toxic person. I’m needy, moody, restless, a cheater, a cold and at times passive aggressive person that might even classify a tad on the abusive side. I’ve never broken up properly with somebody, anybody. There just wasn’t a point in my life – either in my adolescence or adulthood – that I handled an impending ending well. I push people away. The minute I realize that I would have to have a difficult conversation with you I freak out, I don’t want that, I don’t know how to have difficult conversations – I know quite a few other things: how to have so much pent up anger inside you that it physically hurts to breathe, how to be so frustrated that you’re not able to talk, not being able to voice anything, not being able to stand up for yourself.

Unfinished business is the worst because these people that you’ve turned into ghosts come to haunt you. Avoiding them is impossible, most of the time.

So let me count my biggest regrets…

I: You were my first ghost ever and you’re hunting me to this day, because maybe I didn’t know what love was or how to love you, but I did truly love you and left you, closed the door without letting you have a say in it and that was awful. I payed for it tenfold.

C: We had some great times, but oh boy did we have some horrible ones too. You were incredibly toxic and abusive and I needed to cut you off, it was that or my sanity, but I should have done it in a mature way, not in a coward and deceitful way. You see, I am coward, there were many times where I should have stood up for myself, where I should have stayed true to myself. I didn’t and because of that I truly believed that I was trapped, the abuse was so relentless that I didn’t know what to do, I was scared and I regained control and took back my power by cutting you off without even giving you a fair warning or goodbye. There was no goodbye between us, no resolved issues. You’re hunting me, alright. In every anxiety, panic attack there’s a bit of you as the cause for it.

L: Oh dear, you’re a particularly difficult ghost to handle because I have no idea why I ghosted you. I always got the idea that you only called me when you need something from me, but then again I kinda did that to you too. I’m not sure if you even liked me that much or you just liked the idea of me, but when you decided to marry somebody I did not like or agree with, I felt cheated. I knew you settled because you told me so and I just resented you for that, for some reason. I was downright a shitty friend. I probably did you a HUGE favor by cutting myself out, by this point I was a huge pile of toxic human waste. I miss you and I’m sorry for being such trash. I truly am, you did not deserve any of it.

There’s more people, obviously, but these were my main ones. I cut off every people I wasn’t regularly or semi-regularly talking to. I’ve blamed my depression for this behavior, but really it just goes hand in hand. I always act like I’ve moved on, but really… really? I’m stuck in the past. I’m incredibly afraid of failure, of conflict and of people in general. I’m incredibly alone and isolated, by my own choice and I hate that.

That’s just it. Life goes on.